BAD BOYS ARE BORING

All through the day, all I could think about was Sadiq. Memories of last night kept replaying in my mind. Maybe I should have given him my number. Or maybe not. Chai I am so confused.

When night came, I tossed and tossed on my bunk bed. The uneasiness in my spirit did not want to go and I knew it was because of him. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid, having another man take up my entire existence.

I snuck out of the hostel to get fresh air. But I knew it wasn’t fresh air I wanted to get. I wanted to go back to the lecture hall. The place we spent the night together.

As I jumped into the lecture hall through the window, I found a dark figure standing by the corner, almost causing me to jump in fear. It was him. Sadiq.

He walked towards my side, not too shocked to see me there.

Surprised, I asked, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to get what I earned.”

He pulled me by the waist and kissed me.

Seconds later, he tried to pull back, but I pulled him in closer and kissed his soft lips some more. This was where he belonged now, right here with me.

***

There were four things that came to my mind when I thought about the word love: suffering, torture, betrayal and the biggest of them all, a scam.

When I thought about love, I thought about my mother. The pain she endured all in the name of “love”. I watched the way my father pulled her hair beneath her hijab till the hijab was soaked in blood. I watched the way he pushed her down the stairs. And the venom that came out of his mouth anytime he talked about her. And yet, she still came crawling back to him.

I watched him leave her for another woman and how she cried at his feet, begging him not to go. But he still did.

I watched my mother hang herself on a tree because “love” had driven her crazy. I swore on my mother’s grave not to let love drive me crazy like her.

And any man that was the sign of my father had no place in my life. I was allergic to his kind, the bad boys.

Sadiq was not like my father. I knew that from the start.

What I also did know was that his desire for me was only for the moment. Like all the other boys in this school, he just wanted to have all the wild fun that most bachelors experienced before they finally settled with their pure and “perfect” virgin wife.

And that was the part that drove me crazy.

When I saw him smiling and laughing with his female classmates, it got me upset. Was he already planning his escape route within less than a month of our relationship? I nagged him about it, but he assured me that I was the only woman in his life.

But that soon became a lie.

His phone’s screensaver was his mother. This caused our first fight.

I told him he didn’t love me enough to put me as his screensaver. And I dared him to choose between me or his mother. He kept arguing about how stupid my request was. At the end of the day, he changed his screensaver to my picture.

Sadiq hated every part of breaking the school rules. But I loved every part of it.

From skipping classes, to meeting up after lights out, to sneaking into empty lecture halls, to even sneaking into his hostel room at night to taste each other’s heavens. He would complain about how much trouble we would be in, but once our lips collided, he forgot about it all.

I loved the thrill of it all. The danger of “getting caught” was what made everything exciting. Seeing him freak out about it made it more adventurous.

I wanted to spend every moment with him, causing trouble together. On days that he did not call me, I would fetch a bowl of hot water and pour it all over my legs. I would call Sadiq, crying over the phone for him to come and rescue me. I didn’t want him to rescue me, I just wanted him right next to me.

And one thing about Sadiq, he always showed up. No matter what.

Plus, the best part of it all, he was just another fling to me. I had no intention of ever giving him my heart. It was his I was earning.

“Mariam, you need to leave Sadiq alone.” My friend, Amina, warned me one hot afternoon. “He is a good person. You’re supposed to be dealing with only bad boys.”

“Bad boys are boring and predictable.” I said to her, “Same playbook, lame tactics. I want to feel like I am walking on the moon, like I am the centre of his universe. That’s how good boys make me feel. I love the excitement of knowing that I am dominating somebody’s else’s world.”

“Madam, do you know what you are? A narcissist.”

I blushed, “Thank you.”

She shook her head at me in disdain.

Sadiq was everything I needed.

Except one thing.

He was celibate.